Reading Rambling: Experiencing A Grief Observed

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. THe same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing. At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me."

These words were penned by the great Christian thinker C.S. Lewis shortly after his wife died. I have read them before but never have they meant so much to me as they do now. Its kind of funny how your life experiences determine your perspective on everything. A week ago I could have read these words and not think a thing about them. I mean sure, theyre compelling enough but everything Lewis writes is compelling. But now as I read these words with eyes freshly baptized in the waters of unspeakable sorrow that awkward, inconvenient lump forms in my throat and the tears wash over my eyes anew.

It amazes me how well Lewis describes grief; even as my eyes glance over the words my self (I almost said body but much more than the physical is involved) is experiencing exactly what he is describing; feelings and sensations that my limited vocabulary and lack of artistic ability would never allow me to put into words. I'm not sure why but I find some sort of comfort knowing that decades ago one of my literary heroes went through the exact same pain that I am going through.

Before I sign off I want to pose a challenge to you right now; something I wish I had been doing for years. Think of someone has been around for so long now you just never expect him to leave. That person that sure you enjoy being around but just not all the time. That person that even though you could talk to him anytime you wanted you know you dont talk to him nearly as often as you should. Now imagine that all of the sudden that person is gone. Not gone as in will be back in an hour or two or even a week or two but gone as in you will never see them on this earth again. You cant call him up, you cant send him a text or catch him online, you cant even send him a letter; he's gone.

There, do you feel that? That feeling that makes you want to rip your heart out? That makes you want to punch something as hard as you can or bury yourself in a pillow and cry untill your eyes are raw? You know what that means? It means that you love that person more than you could ever imagine. It means that you cannot even fathom the pain you would feel if you were to ever wake up to hear that he is no longer living. And it means you should tell him as soon and as often as possible because you could very well wake up tomorrow morning and that person be gone.

I love you Adam and I miss you more than any human words could ever describe. I cant wait to see you again.